Trying to be great

Mark 9:30-37
9:30 They went on from there and passed through Galilee. He did not want anyone to know it;
31 for he was teaching his disciples, saying to them, “The Son of Man is to be betrayed into human hands, and they will kill him, and three days after being killed, he will rise again.”
32 But they did not understand what he was saying and were afraid to ask him. 33 Then they came to Capernaum; and when he was in the house he asked them, “What were you arguing about on the way?” 34 But they were silent, for on the way they had argued with one another who was the greatest. 35 He sat down, called the twelve, and said to them, “Whoever wants to be first must be last of all and servant of all.” 36 Then he took a little child and put it among them; and taking it in his arms, he said to them, 37″Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes not me but the one who sent me.”

Lectionary Proper 20, September 20, 2009

I spend a lot of time and energy trying to be great. But secretly. Not so it shows. I want my greatness to be discovered and praised. But I am ashamed to be open about it, about how much I want it, need it, seek it. All my stress of last week was at its heart, about that. Was I the best in the room? Did I have the best ideas? Did I present them the best? Did everyone like me the best? And, of course, I came up short on all those measures. Starting with myself. I didn’t like me or my work the best.

This week things have calmed down at work but I don’t feel important because I’m NOT busy. I feel bored and unnecessary.

There’s so much craziness swirling in my head. Because even when I do get praise, acknowledgment, approval, it’s never enough. I think about Garrison Keillor — in an interview once someone asked him how he felt about all the acclaim he was receiving and he said something like, “Well, you  know, it’s not really enough. It’s never really enough. What I want is to be WORSHIPPED FOR THE GOD THAT I AM.”

Which is exactly who I am. Whatever praise I get is nice, but not enough. Whatever success. Whatever approval. No one yet has worshipped me for the God that I am.

It’s so strange that on the one hand you can feel like such a failure and slug and on the other want/imagine/desire to be seen as a God.

The exact nature of my insanity.

I was thinking about Jesus embracing that child in the passage from Mark above. How I would like to feel embraced, welcomed, approved of, loved deep down. And how Jesus says to be great you need to embrace that child. I need to embrace my own child, the child in me, love that child as Jesus did/does. A child who plays, who has fun, who just takes delight in being alive, who isn’t scrambling around all the time trying to win, desperate for approval, trying to feel needed and important.

And Jesus is saying that the path to God and to greatness, real greatness, not the kind that drives you crazy with worry, is the kind that embraces the children, that maybe sees the whole world as one big baby that needs to be held and soothed and patted and loved.

I would like to see things more like that today. Think less of what others think about me and more about embracing the child, the one in me, the ones all around me.